The Four Horsemen

Image by Wolfgang Eckert from Pixabay

Let’s start with a moment of self-reflection.  This is not about anyone else or their behavior– this is about YOU. 

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Tell me, tell me true…

Which of these awful relationship habits

are the ones I do?

Criticism Stonewalling Defensiveness Contempt hurts relationships.

Criticism

Criticism is not about not a specific action or behavior of your partner, but is directed at your partner's character or at them as a whole person. Your partner may feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when you shut down, withdraw or disengage from interaction with your partner. Your partner's response may be anger and/or frustration.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is an effort at self-protection through a persona of innocent victimhood, righteous indignation or a counterattack/blame. Your partner may feel dismissed, manipulated or feel as though you don't take them seriously.

Contempt

Contempt is the worst and most destructive behavior in relationships. It may include disrespect, ridicule, sarcasm, condescension and negative body language. Contempt destroys psychological, emotional, and physical health.

Remember how I asked you to focus on just your OWN behavior? Hopefully, you’ve been able to focus solely on your own behavior in relationships, rather than shifting your focus to your partner’s faults.

Spend some time looking the behaviors and their effects over, then ask yourself:

Photo by Wyron A on Unsplash

Am I a gift of encouragement, love and support that elevates my partner?

OR

Photo by burak kostak from Pexels
Photo by burak kostak from Pexels
Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Image by Dimitri Wittmann from Pixabay
Image by Dimitri Wittmann from Pixabay
Image by Tumisu from Pixabay
Image by Tumisu from Pixabay
Image by my best in collections - see and press 👍🔖 from Pixabay
Image by my best in collections - see and press 👍🔖 from Pixabay
Image by Pintera Studio from Pixabay
Image by Pintera Studio from Pixabay
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Do I discourage, demean or in any way detract from my partner’s life as a result of my attitude, behavior and treatment of them?

Do you want things to be different (read: better)?

Are you willing to do some work on yourself as part of the process?

Check out the Gottman blog (from the Gottman Institute) on Relationships and the Four Horsemen to learn tools that will help you and your partner have a better relationship.

 

1 Comment

  1. VERY good food for thought. I know I can personally get my hackles up so-to-speak and get defensive. I need to try and work on stepping back and seeing what my words or actions may have done to contribute someone being frustrated with me. Really good post…

    Reply

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Picture of Sheli

Sheli

After calling Alaska home for most of 40 years, Sheli's out finding her true calling (and a handful of adventures), while stopping to visit as many friends, labyrinths, and ice cream shops as possible along the way. She believes that Life is Good, you can never have too many friends, and Ice Cream makes everything better. Learn more about Sheli at www.shelidodson.com

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