Welcome to confession. I’m here to admit my guilt.
I screwed up.
I did something I have been working SO HARD to stop doing.
I dished out what I had been served. A heaping dose of Criticism. And it ended badly.
Given the circumstances, could it have ended any other way?
I know that criticism can quickly become a vicious cycle of disapproval and discontent.
Someone is unhappy about something, so they become critical. The person they criticize becomes unhappy.
MISERY LOVES COMPANY.
Everyone is unhappy. Nobody wins. Nothing good comes from it.
Rinse and repeat for maximum unhappiness.
I KNOW ALL THIS.
I. KNOW. THIS.
Consequently, I have worked (for years) to not respond to criticism by lashing out.
Generally, I retreat into silence, exercising the mantra that “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Some people call that the silent treatment. When I am trying to defend it, I call it “restraint”. John Gottman (author, speaker, and American Psychological Researcher who studies marital stability) calls it stonewalling, and it is one of the four horsemen.
It is no better than being critical.
And there are always consequences.
The Short Story:
Someone I care about said something really mean and hurtful to me.
It hurt. A LOT. And they seemed indifferent or completely oblivious to how devastated I was.
I instantly retreated behind my wall of silence (stonewalling)– partly to hide how much my feelings were hurt and partly to keep from lashing out in anger.
Shields up! Defenses in place.
Man your battle stations!
The problem is this:
Stonewalling is not a winning strategy.
The same walls which keep you safe also keep you imprisoned.
Putting up a wall to protect myself from hurt just meant that I had created my own prison.
Days passed. Then a week. Then two weeks. I though time would give me a better perspective and help me return to a position of grace and forgiveness. It didn’t work. I got stuck in my cycle of hurt and silence. It was almost another week before the impasse came to an end.
And by end, I mean escalated.
I (well actually, WE) fell right back into the same trap of negative behavior patterns:
Criticism directed at me, followed by me stonewalling.
Then criticism directed at me FOR stonewalling.
But I switched tactics- and not for the better. Instead of stonewalling and emotionally retreating, I opted to dish out criticism to the critic for being critical.
Defensiveness and more criticism from the critic.
More criticism from me.
…Did I say escalated? I meant IMPLODED.
Defensive Me felt like I was being attacked again, this time being criticized for my non-communication.
So, I communicated. I shared ALL MY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS. POORLY.
Hurtful words were exchanged on both sides, but mostly by me.
I did NOT practice GRACE. I did NOT practice “truth and kindness”. Instead, I dispensed brutal honesty with the gentleness of a sledgehammer.
And it only went downhill from there. Devastatingly, heartbreakingly so. One of my greatest weapons is my ability to be scathingly honest, and I fully unleashed. And I saw the impact.
It was not my moment to shine.
I’ll spare you the details, and only say this:
On my “bad” days, which are frequent lately, I think, “It cost me everything.” On the days when I am grounded and treat myself with a modicum of grace, I try to remind myself that it taught me something.
Hurt people hurt people.
How did the story end? I hope it hasn’t.
1 Comment
“…I dispensed brutal honesty with the gentleness of a sledgehammer.” – This hit me. I tend to give myself ‘space’ and have NEVER considered it might appear to be stonewalling to others. Ever. I thought I was doing the right thing. Just goes to show how when we are so close to a situation, it is difficult to consider the other person when we are so wrapped in our own reactions and emotions.