I am not a perfect person.
Far from it. And I know it. As Pastor Michael Todd says, Not perfect, but progressing.”
When I recognize an area where I struggle, I really, really try to work on improving in that area.
Being critical is one such area.
Critical of myself, critical of others.
Two divorces and Therapy Thursdays helped me recognize some hard truths.
Like the fact that I did not want to make other people feel the way that I was often made to feel. And that when I did make someone feel awful, I ultimately felt worse.
And that my tendency to be critical said more about me than the person I was criticizing.
And I knew I needed new tools that would actually help me, so I could stop hurting others.
So, Ken gave me a Lesson in Grace (which I’ll share in a future Therapy Thursday post).
And I made a commitment to myself that I would focus on the qualities I love and appreciate about someone, rather than tearing them down.
It’s not about me putting on rose-colored glasses… it is about choice… me choosing to focus on someone’s positive qualities, rather than looking at them as someone to be “improved”.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t want people to learn, grow, evolve and work to be better versions of themselves. Of course I do!
But I know that criticism and shaming someone won’t get them there. After almost a decade of continuing to try to practice grace, I discovered Brené Brown, who explains it perfectly:
"Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change."
So, I remain committed to showing people grace.
And I don’t get it right all the time. I still tend to shut down. Sometimes I just can’t find the grace to smile and let it go (or have a productive conversation about the issue). Other times, it’s hard for me to focus on someone’s better qualities.
It can be really hard for me to get “unstuck”, because that would mean telling someone they hurt me, and then they would know I am vulnerable and that they have the power to hurt me…
But I keep trying, because Grace is worth it.
It is my hope that by showing grace, people’s hearts will be softened, defensive walls will be lowered, and people will know they don’t have to perfect, yet can still be unconditionally and whole-heartedly loved.
When you know you are unconditionally loved, you feel safe enough to try to change, because you know any failures and setbacks won’t diminish you in a loved one’s eyes. That’s GRACE.
1 Comment
How do we mesh this with what Malcolm Gladwell encourages us to trust about instinct….red flags…
Maybe grace is not about ignoring these things…again – a lot to chew on and appreciate you bringing up these topics that are so important to consider and think about.