“Hey (insert name), Do you have some time? I need to talk with you.”
brief pause
“It’s probably going to be awkward and difficult, but it’s important.”
Did you cringe just reading that? Most people probably would.
When someone opens a conversation with statements like that, you can bet that its likely to be a “hard conversation”. While I’m not always enthusiastic about having hard conversations, I am known as a person who doesn’t shy away from them.
Why? Why do I lean into a hard conversation, rather than avoiding it? Because I’ve learned, through my own experiences, that hard conversations often occur as a result of any one or more of the following:
Respect
Integrity
“Loving Deeply”
And when those traits are central to someone’s character, it usually signals good intentions and favorable outcomes.
I believe Hard Conversations are necessary and important. Frankly, they don’t happen often enough. I know (with 97.36% certainty) that if we had more “hard conversations” with people that we truly care about, a lot of pain and suffering could be prevented. Misunderstandings and hurt could be avoided. Relationships would be strengthened. More reconciliations would occur.
People would be happier.
Here’s the reality:
How we were raised is often all we know. And oftentimes, when we do get a glimpse into another way of living or being, it is generally just a taste, and not enough to fully understand and incorporate into our own lives. Old habits die hard. Familiarity is… comfortable, and we are often reluctant to step out of our comfort zone.
Also, sometimes we can’t see past our own perspective and experiences.
And if we can’t see something from a different viewpoint and/or as a prospective problem, how can we address or resolve it? That merits the necessity of hard conversations.
When I see the pain, confusion, hurt and/or frustration that other people are experiencing right now, simply because they are NOT willing to endure the discomfort of having a hard conversation- well, it breaks my heart.
It’s a cruel kindness.
A hard conversation is generally the opposite– a compassionate cruelty. It might hurt (in the short-term), but it’s for your own good….
Sort of like having to re-break a bone in order to set it properly.
Yeah, I know… It’s a paradoxical oxymoron.
But unintended consequences are even more damaging than hard conversations.
Here are a few examples:
- When family members keep secrets from each other in an effort to protect one another, unknowingly leaving the unspoken to be shared by a bitter, toxic troublemaker from the past.
- When parents are unwilling to share the missteps of their youth, and instead paint a false picture of what shaped them, they are discouraging their children the permission to make mistakes and grow from them.
- When leadership fails to address performance issues because they want to maintain a harmonious working relationship, they are denying their staff the opportunity to learn, grow and be promoted.
All are situations that happen daily.
All harmful.
All the result of the unintended consequences that occur when people are not willing to have “hard conversations.”
It’s the 4th of July, which is Independence Day in the United States and I was very intentional about posting this TODAY.
Liberate yourself (and those you love)!
Be willing to have that hard conversation.
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