I struggled with how to start this… and just decided to jump right in, even though my thoughts are jumbled and I don’t know what I want your biggest “takeaway” to be.
I hope you aren’t feeling particularly motion sick today, because today’s post is going to be weaving ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I have so much to say about this, yet I want to keep the post brief, because it’s one of those posts that I hope people spend some time contemplating.
And when I say ‘time’, I mean more than three seconds.
My first question for you is this: What does it mean (to you) when you hear someone described as “authentic”?
I asked a friend that question, and he paused for a moment before answering, saying that for him, being authentic meant being credible.
“When someone is authentic,” he said, “you can believe what you see and you can believe what you hear.”
It’s being GENUINE.
According to Merriam-Webster, authentic means: ‘real or genuine’, ‘true or accurate’, and (the one that is the most appropriate for this post) ‘true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.’
Unfortunately, authenticity sometimes feels like the exception, not the rule. It’s beyond disappointing to me when I see someone who is obviously pretending to be anyone other than their true self.
What causes people to choose a false persona over their authentic selves? In many instances, I think it’s the fear that comes from being vulnerable.
Ah, vulnerability.… Sometimes, it feels like a swear word.
When do you feel the most vulnerable? If your immediate thought was “when I’m naked in the shower” or “sitting on the toilet,” you’re not alone (me too!) However, that’s not the kind of vulnerability I’m talking about.
I’m asking about the vulnerability that comes with being authentic.
No facades, no false pretenses.
No difference between your authentic self and who you present to the world.
When was the last time you felt vulnerable because you chose to be authentic? It’s such a charged question that it makes me uncomfortable just to type it out.
How often have you refrained from asking a question because you don’t want to look like the only person who isn’t ‘getting it’?
How often do any of us avoid expressing fear, insecurity, or doubt because we want to appear poised, unflappable and confident?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can share some of my experiences around vulnerable authenticity. There have been several occasions when my fear trumped my willingness to be authentic (and vulnerable). Nobody, including me, wants to look like the ‘slow one’ in the group.
However, there have been considerably more times when, despite feeling vulnerable about admitting my lack of understanding, I’ve spoken up anyway, only to find that I wasn’t the only one lost or confused – I was just the only one willing to admit it.
I remember an online/video meeting I attended where someone was explaining, very quickly, calculations and formulas in an excel spreadsheet. He was moving from cell to cell, rapidly typing in the data while telling us what to enter for the formula. I felt my eyes glaze over in confusion, and looked at the others (about 4-5 people), on the call, watching them nod their heads in agreement. My eyes swiveled back and forth from their faces to the excel spreadsheet, hoping the lightbulb would go on. It didn’t.
Even though I was certain that I was the only person in the meeting who had no idea what was happening, I interrupted the speaker, calling out “Wait! Please stop for a moment.” He paused, looking at me in surprise. I hesitated, then plunged ahead. “Please raise your hand if you have no idea what he is talking about.”
I immediately raised my hand, looking away from the monitor, feeling like an imbecile. When I looked back at the screen, almost everyone else on the call (except the presenter and one other person) had raised a hand, too.
I was mollified, but also shocked. This was not a group of cowering wallflowers, so the fact that nobody else was willing to speak up was surprising.
“How come nobody else said anything?” I asked. “I thought I was the only person who didn’t understand!” Some looked me sheepishly, but nobody answered.
The answer, though unspoken, was clear. Nobody was willing to be vulnerable and authentic, because they feared being perceived as inadequate or deficient in some way.
Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurrence. I’ve seen this play out over and over again.
I am often the person who asks questions in meetings, only to have others come up to me afterwards and admit that they were equally befuddled.
We need to think about this differently.
How often does someone else have the courage to speak up and ask a question that you also wanted to ask? Did you think less of them for it? It’s more likely that you were grateful, and maybe even a bit impressed, by their willingness to be authentic and vulnerable.
We need to show ourselves that same grace we extend to others.
When we do, we’ll find there is liberation in our authenticity.
Authenticity matters. Authenticity is important. I’ll even go so far to say that I believe authenticity is a critical component to success in relationships- all (healthy) relationships.
I think of the times when I was NOT authentic about my concerns, frustrations or feelings – and how that reticence had unanticipated (and sometimes disastrous or devastating) consequences.
I’ve learned that people, in general, respond favorably to authenticity, and appreciate the vulnerability that come with it. And when they don’t (because that does happen when people are chuckleheads!), it’s the fear of their own vulnerability that drives their negative response.
I’ve been forthright and outspoken most of my life (Gemini here!), but the time I’ve spent contemplating authenticity and vulnerability has caused me to be even more intentional about ALWAYS being authentic – especially in personal relationships.
I’m flawed. And I’m okay with that. (I even had t-shirts and sweatshirts made that says “Perfectly Imperfect” (a way of reflecting my passion and celebration of Kintsugi)).
Rest assured that I’m likely to stick my foot in my mouth from time to time, or to occasionally say what I think and feel without ‘filtering’ it first, but you can always trust that you’ll get an honest answer and the real me.
Most people appreciate that. Some (usually the ones who work very hard to maintain their own false personas) tend to dislike me because of it. (Trust me when I say that it doesn’t keep me up at night!)
A long time ago, I recognized that one of the reasons people gravitate towards me is because I’m so ridiculously authentic. When they see and experience my imperfect but authentic self, they realize it’s safe to be their own flawed, wonderfully human selves as well.
All I ask is that you come as you are and just be yourself.
(Unless you’re a jerk; if you’re a jerk, please stay away.)
And as I’ve said before, “Welcome to the Human Race!”
1 Comment
Great post! I can’t follow the advice, but I love the lesson. lol