Part 2 of "Lessons on The Five Love Languages"
Though it may sound odd, I enjoyed any session where Ken challenged my thinking and encouraged me to look at myself deeper. Gaining a better understanding of what drives my thinking, actions and behavior was both helpful and humbling, and while this is a frequent occurrence in therapy, this Love Language session stands out on my mind, mostly because of how badly I misunderstood MYSELF…
Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
As previously mentioned, I had started therapy to get to the root of my habit of “relationship retreating” (which is just an nice way of saying I was heading towards divorce #2 in my “marriage-misery-move on” cycle).
However, while husband #2 hadn’t been willing to work to save our marriage when I told him it was failing, he was inexplicably unwilling to discuss an amicable split when I went to pull the ripcord and finalize our separation.
In a classic “too little, too late” scenario, he started puling out all the stops, despite the fact that my train had long since left the station.
In an effort to curtail another long phone call where he tried to change my mind, I finally told him that if he was willing to meet with my therapist (without me) and talk to Ken about why he thought our marriage was salvageable, I would be open to discussing the viability with Ken. While I had no interest in going backwards, I *was* in therapy to figure my own sh*t out, so I considered that I could be wrong or acting in haste (though it had been more than year since we had separated our household).
Surprisingly, he agreed. I called Ken to give him a heads up, and gave him carte blanche to discuss anything about me that he thought would be helpful, including permission to share anything I had disclosed in our sessions. I said that anything he thought would help move the ball forward (in any direction) was okay with me.
Ken, of course, was the consummate professional. When Jeff called me after his session to report how it went, he said the Ken didn’t really have anything to say about me. They spent most of the session with Ken asking Jeff to share his perception and perspective of our relationship, our marriage and its breakdown.
Then they discussed the Five Love languages- specifically MY love languages.
Ken asked Jeff to rank my love languages in the order of importance to me.
“I got them ALL wrong,” Jeff said, laughing. I was quiet. After more than eight years together, how could he not get even CLOSE to ranking them properly? I was also curious. While Ken & I had talked about the love languages, I had never ranked them with him, so how did he know if Jeff was right or wrong?
While Jeff didn’t remember how Ken had ranked them, he began to understand that he was way off target when it came to knowing me and my needs. I remained intrigued by Ken’s idea of how I rated them, so at my next session, I brought it up. I relayed what Jeff had said, and Ken confirmed that he had been way off base in his ranking. Then, I asked him how HE knew my ranking, when we had never discussed the order of importance to me. The challenge in my voice was clear.
Challenge accepted.
I pressed forward, asking him how HE thought I ranked them, from most important to least important.
Ken’s assessment of my love languages:
(in order of importance to me)
- Acts of service
- Time spent together
- Touch
- Words of affirmation
- Gifts
We sat quietly for a few moments, then he gently asked me for some personal examples of what I had ranked as my primary love language.
I confidently opened my mouth to reply… and it hung there, open. I couldn’t think of a single example.
As we slowly worked through my ranking, and I tried to cite examples, it was evident that what I thought my primary language was didn’t rank anywhere near the top. Clearly, I had more self-discovery work to do.
He didn’t even have to say the word to me; I already knew.
