Marriage can be hard, divorce can be hard, co-parenting can be hard.
When a couple splits up and children are involved, things get infinitely more complicated. Unless one parent completely exits (from both the partner and children’s lives), there is inevitably going to be some differing opinions on how things should be done.
Things that were “non-issues” often become the gasoline on an already strained relationship.
However, when it comes to co-parenting, there are important facts to consider – THE CHILDREN.
This is probably one of the most difficult challenges any parent could face, learning to love the other parent enough to make the children first.
Co-parenting, “joint parenting” and “shared parenting” are interchangeable terms that refer to the shared responsibility of raising children after divorce, separation or the end of a cohabitant relationship. Co-parenting is an agreement giving each parent an equal share in the parenting duties of the children.
If the arrangement takes place in a cooperative, positive and collaborative environment, co-parenting will result in healthier and happier children.
If it doesn’t, it makes for a difficult, and often miserable experience for everyone involved.
My ex-husband agreed to attend co-parenting counseling with me. It didn’t last long because one of us immediately violated the agreement made with the counselor. (The counselor said that using information from the co-parenting counseling sessions in court actions was counterproductive to working together to resolve issues, and that if such action occurred, he would not be able to work with us. I’ll let you guess who violated the agreement after only one session. (Hint: It wasn’t me.)
Nonetheless, that session gave a great framework that many co-parents could follow. I thought it would be worthwhile to share those recommendations
* Note:
- This session was with someone other than Ken, since it would have been an obvious conflict of interest for him to be my personal counselor AND be our co-parenting counselor.
- The bulk of this information is from our single session in 2009, but I think it is still relevant today.
- I did some additional research and came up with some other helpful recommendations I’ve included, as well as some resources:
Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart. Work for your kids, not against them.
Communicate Expectations
While it may be true that each household will have different rules, routines and expectations, both parents should know and understand what happens (in relation to the kids) at the other’s home.
Communicate expectations between households about the children regarding:
- Daily chores
- Daily routines
- Taking care of themselves, their stuff, etc.
- Behavioral expectations
Never use the kids as messengers
Co-Parenting is a Business Relationship
First and foremost: The only thing that is your business is an issue related to your children.
There, now that we have that out of the way, let’s continue.
Good business partners never make big decisions without consulting each other. They do not say, “Hey I just spent $40,000 on a new piece of equipment.Hope you’re okay with that.” Good business partners consult and listen to what the other partner has to say rather than just inform them of decisions already made. After listening to both sides they come to an agreement based on what is in the best interest of the coparenting company. As a co-parent, you should also have discussions and make decision based on what is in the best interest of your children.
Here are other tenets of being a good business partner/co-parent:
- Be respectful to and about the other parent
- Never speak ill of the other parent in front of the kids (verbal & non-verbal)
- When communicating, only focus on the decision at hand. One issue at at time.
- Think about how you’d frame a phone call, email or text message to a work colleague or client, and use that professional tone when dealing with your ex. (Consider how the courts would view your communications- skip the condescension, accusations, etc.)
Think of it as an important business project; you don't always love the person that you're working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children.
Rights & Privileges
Children DO have rights.
It is important that both parents and children understand the difference between privileges and rights.
Rights fall into four general categories: safety, education (until they’re 18), sustenance (e.g., food, water), and shelter.
Everything else is a privilege that can be granted AND taken away as decided by a parent, guardian, and/or caregiving adult. Privileges must be earned.
Privileges includes cell phones and other electronics, driving and other freedoms (e.g. sleepover, hanging out with friends, etc.)
How are privileges earned at each home?
- How is discipline handled?
- Where do you draw the line on the kid’s behavior?
- What do you do when they cross the line?
Also discuss how you will agree to handle privileges that affect both households? (E.g. Extended and/or international travel, driving (to include insurance costs & prospective liability of each parent/household).
Here are a few challenges we experienced:
If one parent buys their child a cell phone and pays for it, can the other parent take it away or restrict its use while at their home?
What if one parents says yes to getting a drivers license, but the other parent says no? Should one parent make a decision that financially impacts both parents (insurance costs, possible liability from accidents) without the other’s consent?
Have those conversations before making those decisions!
Things you should know (and share with each other)
Comunication is criital, and your children should NEVER be the go-betweens.
Regular check-ins foster solid communication skills and can also help you nip any budding issues from the outset. If conversations are likely to degenerate, consider a weekly email update. You should be sharing, at minimum, the following information:
- School info (homework, projects, field trips, behavior, etc. )
- Health related matters
- Extra curricular activities
- New friends, social groups
- State of affairs at your home (is anyone grounded or have specific privileges been earned (or revoked)? Why?
- Any other need to know items
Parenting is a privilege. Care enough about your children to put your differences aside and work together to raise children that will remember their childhood andyour relationship with each other as something to model.
1 Comment
Notwithstanding my agreement on your post as a whole, I whole-heartedly agree about the written communication – always pretend a judge is reading your email. If it is going to make their eyebrows raise, consider changing the tone, verbiage, or possibly don’t send it at all. Have a trusted friend review. Keep it factual. Try not to litigate unresolved emotions and issues between the two of you and incorporate it into the decisions that have to be made for the kids.